katie the pest

i think it doesn't make sense.

2010-12-21T11:06:00.000-08:00

if you happen to like my inane ramblings, go here from now on.

love,
talia

http://deer-tracks.blogspot.com/

Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Brown-iest.

2010-12-19T10:15:00.000-08:00

My last class in my credential program is complete. Heretoforewhereart now I will forever be an almost teacher until I decide to student teach. In the meantime, I feel such relief and a little bit like I can start redefining what normal feels like. The past two nights I've slept so soundly and actually slept a little past 8am- this is monumental since I typically wake up but never feel rested. My batteries are recharged and ready, and instead of sighing every ten minutes out of exhaustion, I feel like I can move with purpose and energy and smile at everyone, just because.

It's difficult for people to understand how easily exhausted my body gets living with a chronic illness. I rarely talk about it, because it's typically just something I just deal with. But sometimes, it's like even for a healthy person, I feel pushed to my physical and mental limits of what this little body of mine can take. With the help and encouragement of my friends and family, I was able to power through and (almost) finish something that's been a dream of mine since I was in high school. Message to the kids: Always Almost finish something!

As far as music, I've just got to let the dust settle and allow myself to seek and relish in inspiration. My most cohesive work has always evolved after a period of respite and research, so we'll see what happens with a little time to breathe and think. And by a little time, I mean two days a week.

In the meantime, Christmas is almost upon us and I'm most excited about spending time with my family and I'm even more excited about the gifts I found for the dudes in my family. I'm always telling customers to buy gifts for their family that people normally won't buy for themselves. It's those indulgences we pass up ourselves that make such impressionable gifts. So I tried to think outside the box and lavish my guys, hopefully they see the merit and enjoy something a little less ordinary.

Merry Christmas to all!

i don't need one other thing.

2010-12-08T19:36:00.000-08:00

My folks had a ton of new wave LP's when I was growing up. I always knew Blondie was special, except I was too naive to hold onto those records. That voice: so brassy, so brash.

Music has been one of the few things keeping me sane. Music, and my cats and my boyfriend. Music, cats, my boyfriend, and my tweed jacket. Music, my cats, my boyfriend, my tweed jacket and hot toddies. Music, cats, jesus eyes, twee, hot toddies and tapioca pudding. And that's all I need.

I swear after the holidays are over I'm going to:
a. spend some quality time w/ faces i miss
b. sleeeeeeeeep and read. on repeat.
c. um... i need a good turn around the dance floor. as in a break a sweat. as in loosen the eff up.

sonic what?

2010-12-03T21:01:00.000-08:00

The La's - There She Goes

JonDavies | Myspace Video

this isn't a food blog but we made macaroni and cheese with fresh herbs and truffle oil with sauteed zucchini for dinner. tomorrow morning we're making blueberry french toast, with an extra helping of snuggles.

on a lark yesterday, we went book shooping and i picked up Derrida's Writing and Difference as well as Foucalt's Power/Knowledge. i also tried playing music, but all i came up with was a song i forgot after class.

in other news, my professor asked me if i've considered working towards a PHD in education because of my writing abilities. a part of me is like helltotheyes! the other part of me is like, mybrainsarehurting and i've grown so undisciplined in reading and writing. in order to even consider applying, i'd really have to devote serious time to committing to going above and beyond getting by. i'd have to read primary documents and churn out academic discourse.

it's weird how i've reached this point in my life where i feel like i want it all. like i don't want to give up on anything or have to choose. but with every choice, sacrifice is sure to follow. would i have to sacrifice music, jcrew, babies, sleep, love, traveling, homemaking, all of the above?

i'm very happy she mentioned this, but it also poses a serious complication.

aren't you glad i didn't talk about what i wore today? i sure am.

black and white with shades of gray.

2010-12-02T09:01:00.000-08:00

i can't get no.

2010-11-30T19:29:00.000-08:00

Like an itch i can't reach, I feel pressure on all sides closing in with little hope of release.
I need to be in a meadow; an icy frozen meadow, until my nose is cold and my cheeks are flushed.
To fling my heart open wide and let some love out.
To pore over books with genuine curiosity.
To play guitar until my fingers begin to bleed.

In the meantime, I broke down and bought this. The songs that I love, I really love and I can totally see what all the fuss is about.

And on my lunch break I bought this Donegal Tweed jacket @ J Crew, because I like to pretend owning things makes me terminally happy. If it's any consolation to those who find that concept shallow, I look really very good in tweed. I'll post some pictures tomorrow to prove I'm twee as fuck.

"my mother was of french extraction"

2010-11-29T20:45:00.000-08:00

My yiayia had a very rigid nighttime ritual: rinsed her face with water, applied ponds cold cream, applied nighttime moisturizer to her face and lotion on her arms and legs. I used to sit up and watch her do this some nights, fascinated by her diligence to maintaining her visage. When I first moved out to Highland Park, I purchased a jar of Pond's cold cream, because it struck me as the sort of thing a grown woman on her own should do.

By far, Pond's is by far a better value and it brings back memories of yiayia nightly, when I open the medicine cabinet as I get ready for bed. The cool cucumber green of the lid, the crisp smell of the cold cream, even the way it lathers on- it brings back those memories of my childhood.

I've been thinking about her as I walk through the mall. Something about the sounds and Christmas decorations triggers my emotions. I miss her so. Is that something that just happens when your loved ones pass? Will all my holidays feel bittersweet without the sound of her voice and the reassurance of her kiss? bah...

black like your soul.

2010-11-27T10:48:00.000-08:00

preemptively, i thought i had organized the coming weeks into sizeable pieces, realistic chunks of stress i could manage. i thought too soon.
all of my beautiful silk blouses are marred by sweat stains that make me sad. 9,10,11,12 hours... i've stopped watching the clock because all the minutes turn into hours and days too quickly.
the holidays have become nothing but a blur of numbers. who has time for romantic holiday notions? who has time to tie little hand written place cards to pine cones?
while i'm hustling to secure a future, i'm simultaneously silencing the sweetest parts of my soul.
i'll hang hand made garland in my dreams and bake you cookies while i'm at it.
in the morning, i'll slap on some lipstick, sip a cup of strong coffee and head out by dawn to do it all over again.

(daydream)

(reality)

run dry

2010-11-24T09:11:00.000-08:00

the poetry's missing
and i can't find the spaces
in my brain.
i can't feel the pauses
in between breaths.
we're plotting our moves
the next one
-and the one that follows.
days tripping, stumbling,
melting into each other.
i meant to write a letter,
but whispered it to myself instead.
there was no time
for verses,
for fits of passion,
so the earth went unstained.

kitten pile.

2010-11-21T14:45:00.000-08:00

I've posted this caribou song before, but I think it's akin to a soothing cup of tea, cuddling with a kitten or a long hug from an old friend... you need soft good things in your life more often than not.

Today my mom and I went to the Patchwork indie art craft festival in long beach, mom was in heaven. We both left with boxes of Courtney's C Salt Gourmet Chocolate, succulent arrangements for Lexi's Little Bit and a Little Golden Book repurposed notebook from Kelso Doesn't Dance. Such talented, beautiful friends I have the pleasure of knowing!

Black Friday is fast approaching, the end of my last semester is fast approaching, the holidays are imminent, but I'm taking a day for all the people and things i love. it's a win-win situation.
I hope your day is pretty spectacular too.

insane clown party city.

2010-11-19T10:32:00.000-08:00

B. is in the fifth grade class I'm currently observing as part of my last praxis class at Chapman.
While I was circulating during their English Language Arts, Brandon dropped his LA book multiple times, attempted to pick it up with his feet twice and worked more diligently on a drawing entitled: PARTY CITY that depicted an insane clown posse clown, a man in a bloody shirt screaming out of a doorway, a scream mask surrounded by broken bottles and bloody knives, an a giant sketch of satan peering horizontally from the edge of the page. Needless to say, B. and his attention were elsewhere.
At snack I attempted to chat with the girl who sits at B.'s center because I wanted to learn more about her for my final project. She is a sweet low level ELD student and she was munching away on a frijole, huevo, salchicha torta that was bigger than her hands as she talked to me about her dad who works as a manager at Target.

While we were chatting, my other observation pupil gave us all tangerines he had brought from home.
B. ate his eagerly and told me he didn't have anything else to eat today, so I gave him mine too. I found a carrot cake Cliff Bar in my school bag and offered it to him. I gave him the disclaimer he might not like the flavor and his classmate was like: EW! Cliff Bars are GROSS!!! However B. didn't seem to mind. The main impression I got from this class is that their parents work ALOT. Which I was able to relate to, in a way. But it made me sad because they mostly felt bad their parents worked so much and so hard to provide for them, and all they really desired was to spend time with their parents and for their parents to get some rest. Really, this is what ten different fifth graders told me in their own words.

Their school is unique and they are getting a quality education, no doubt. However what their rigorous day lacks are the opportunities to be curious and feel inspired. Every minute is chock full of academic drilling and input. Which is how this urban school's standardized testing scores rival any suburban school in Irvine. However these kids aren't getting nurtured, they aren't be fed rich academic opportunities. The reading they do isn't for pleasure or literary value, it's merely to dissect and conquer comprehension in preparation of State Testing.

So I feel like I can relate to B. and his grotesque drawing. Clearly, the kid's on the cusp of developing a talent but there aren't many opportunities during the school day to allow B. to flourish. Not to mention, B. and his classmates require a level of compassion that the teacher doesn't really have time to dole out. I think she's doing a good job for what she's required, perhaps there's a level of interaction I miss out on when I'm not there. One of the aspects of being a great teacher my mom always exemplified was her capacity to care and inspire. Granted this was nearly ten years ago when she was in a classroom before NCLB and Prop 227, but she has always taught at a low income school, with a minority making up the majority of the student body but she still found unique ways to show she cared and to give her students quality experiences, not just academic drills.

I'm not proposing an idyllic education of storytime and hippie art. But kids like B. need more inspiration, they need to feel like someone is paying attention so they will wake up and feel accountable for their education. They need someone to tell when they're bummed out on feeling hungry. And maybe he needs someone to talk to about why he's drawing pictures of satan and bloodbaths during English Language Arts, and for someone to show him an art or animation book that might expand his repertoire.

I also think I will always have granola bars and apples to give during snack when my kids have hunger pains.

katie cruel.

2010-11-14T11:01:00.001-08:00

the sun dappled through the trees.
cool air swept across your skin like perfect wind on a perfect day.
the scent of alpine and earth filled the spaces around you.
with twice as many dreams in your heart as you could count clouds in the sky.

you'd been here before, where everything felt perfect- absolute and fleeting all at once.

drapery samples and midcentury modern daydreams.

2010-11-12T19:31:00.000-08:00

My first drapery samples from Smith and Nobel arrived today!
This was more exciting in theory than in practice because the first batch all came with a sheen that screams more Louis XIV than Joseph Eichler.

I keep picturing Bill Murray in Lost in Translation dumping out an envelope of nearly identical carpet samples and shaking his head in defeat... except this is way more fun.

carpe your diems.

2010-11-11T11:40:00.000-08:00

There's a laundry list a mile long of shoulda coulda woulda's I carry with me.
I shoulda gone to med school.
I coulda made a second record by now.
I woulda loved you sooner if I'd known.

Some things i can control, others i can't so much. the parts of my life that are aching to be fulfilled are grabbing me by the ears and can't seem to ignore them much longer. i've been scared of vinyl, no particular reason why just a general apprehension with nose pressed to the glass: I want to DO that!
Maltzy and I talked for a long time about putting on a DJ night, but um... like... we don't have records... kinda of a huge snag in the plan. And I just kept putting it off for a seriously long time.

Valdy bought me my first Dusty Springfield when we went to Bagatelle but I still wasn't convinced.
then I saw greg's collection while arranging our bookcase. Next, my parents brought over a large stack of 60's and 70's LPs. Finally, I was convinced it was time for me to venture out and build my collection already. We have some really great thrift stores, a little grimy, but they're all on the same street which makes for an easy crawl up and down Tustin Ave. I didn't find any rare gems, but I did stumble on some great female classics like Carly Simon, Linda Ronstadt and Carole King.
And really, everyone should own a copy of Tapestry, right?!

I've been regularly making mental notes of records I'd really love to stumble upon and records worth going out of my way to find. It's become a personal challenge of mine to go out of my way to do things I've long since considered myself "too old" for.

Lord help me if I ever feel to old to enjoy a solid jam...

and here's a gem by Ruthann Friedmann. I played with her a few years back and had no idea she wrote this song made famous by the association... That voice, like a bell!

she put the lime in the coconut.

2010-11-09T09:33:00.000-08:00

For the past ten years I've been a prisoner of my own lack of spatial sense. Wherever I've lived I've felt the overwhelming urge to keep to my own personal space. I often worry about feeling entitled to communal space because, well, I'm not a very communal person. Needless to say, I prefer my own space where my thoughts may roam freely and easily, and come and go as I please.

Now that we have a home, I really have to recalibrate my thought process. Like, "Oh! it's a beautiful morning, why not open the curtains and read in the family room? Or on Sunday after dinner, let's sit in our living room, read and play with the cats. Gosh... I sound so old. But really, when you're not flying out the door all the time to go this show or that party, what do you do? Do you not find other ways to enjoy yourself and the company you keep in the space you are keeping it?

The other night we watched Who's Harry Nilsson?(And Why is Everybody Talking About Him?)
It roused a lot of feelings about art, fame and self destruction. What a talented, sad person. But that voice! My dad used to sing me songs before bed, he always sang "Put the Lime in the Coconut", which I got a kick out of. Now if only my dad had passed on some Schmilsson my way, that would have been life altering. Vinyl education will be a crucial part of my children's upbringing. Back to the film, I guess the Nilsson estateallowed the documentary director to use as many songs as they wanted to, which is kind of unheard of, so there's like 80 something songs in the film... Cuhrayzay!

hourglass (half full.)

2010-11-07T20:50:00.000-08:00

Not that I really needed more reason to don pencil skirts and sweater sets with heels each day, but Mad Men has invigorated my sense of color and lines.

yes, you may wear a coral silk blouse with a grey tweed pencil skirt and a navy cardigan
yes, you may wear a mustard pullover with a rust colored skirt ( in the fall preferably )
and yes you may offset brilliant jewel hues with a simple black wool pencil skirt, as a simple but bold punctuation.
oh and polka dots are a must.

i suppose i could take pictures of all these dreamy autumn outfits i've thrown together lately but a) that would be tedious- 10-12 hour days don't leave much in the way of free time. b) i'm neither a legitimate blogger nor a young girl. c) sometimes describing something is much more cathartic (albeit equally narcissistic)
p.s. when did the world start living in photos? although i must admit it's quite endearing to see so many stylish young ladies saying: i'm not a supermodel but i'm still totally amazing and fabulous it gets a little voyeuristically unnerving. i love photography and i am interested in what Rumi, Tavi and Jane are up to, but i guess i'm just a bit more interested in words and what they convey. tell me a story. fiction or real. also, last time i checked words were free and i didn't have to eat pbj sandwiches for a month to save up for some new ones.

in other news, mojave decided he feels much better and has been playing, running, jumping, purring, playing, climbing all over the place. it's hard to believe he lay limp in our arms struggling to survive just two weeks ago.

here is a video of him sleeping before his miraculous recovery. i set it to a song by our friend Reza in the California Condors. I geek out everytime i hear this song. i think it's deceivingly simple and sweet with these really beautiful and complex similes that build on the melody. a solid jam.

criss cross applesauce.

2010-11-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

you became the enemy for a time and i sighed with guilt, knowing i'd squandered you away. i took to listening to julie doiron like she was a critical compound in the air that i breathed, struggling to see the world clearly.

i don't know why people are afraid to reach out for happiness, least of all myself. it wasn't like i was particularly miserable or anything, just caught in a cycle of late nights in pursuit of some invisible brass ring of fulfillment.

lucky for me, you didn't give up. even luckier, all the ways that lead up to fulfillment came in spades.
i like to think that julie doiron was the appropriate healing salve.

sometimes there's a tiny kathleen hanna raging in my head.

2010-11-03T09:29:00.000-07:00

i procrastinated on my last credential midterm, it's a biannually stressful week at work, the vet warned that the baby might have FIP because he's not gaining weight fast enough and his URI is lingering. so you know what the baby did about it? he started eating food by the shovelfuls all on his own, and climbed a tree in the yard this morning. i hope this means the well intentioned vet is wrong.

"puppies"

2010-11-01T11:20:00.000-07:00

The "puppy" mojave is doing much better. he's responded well to his battery of antibiotics, has begun eating on his own and runs up and down the stairs with gusto(tho he doesn't do much else). Franny and Mojave have gotten along well and often I catch Franny being quite tender and sweet with the kitty, that is, when he's not trying to play/fight with him.

The past month of fighting to keep this kitten alive has been exhausting. There's a love and devotion that pours out of you that you didn't know you had. We would wake up in the middle of the night, terrified he would be gone then sink back relief when he was merely sitting peacefully on the floor by the bed.

This morning Mojave explored the patio of our backyard in the sun while I ate my poached eggs and toast. I was corresponding with an old friend. I find myself reaching out to people from my past more often. There's a sliver of worry that my old friends will find me boring and subdued, but then I find relief knowing that I'm a more considerate, more compassionate, more stable presence in the lives of those around me... I just can't stay awake past ten thirty and after one drink I'm ready for a nap!

This past weekend I recorded vocals for a graphic book/ ep project for friends of mine. It was mind bending how much I stressed out about coming up with lyrics... how many fits of frustration I went through... how well Greg focused my energy... and then the finished outcome came out almost flawlessly. The verse just flowed, the chorus hit perfectly and the words bore just the right amount of gravitas. It was like holyshit- this fits like a glove...! but it's so different when I can wake up leisurely surrounded by love, make and eat breakfast together, sit and look at the mist of the morning through the dining room window sipping coffee, then drive off to record a vocal track for a few hours.

It really is flattering how persistent my friends are that I get back to making music. I feel like when this final class is over in december, I'll have the mind frame to focus again. It's just going to be different. It has to be. I don't feel like reclaiming katie's sound in light of all these recent reverbed out bands is the answer, but I've been feeling more often lately that I am denying my creative impulses that I spent so many years devoted to crafting and honing.

In other news, someone has been making some sweet fan videos set to katie the pest demos. Hearing L'Etranger on the internet gives me chills. It was such a fragmented, personal song that I was sure nobody would like when I wrote it 3(?) years ago. I was sure they'd hear the flaws in the crude recording and my lacking guitar skills. But of course I recorded it because there was a part of me that loved the crudeness, and I felt the repetition made sense because it was like an emotion on repeat that only changes in intensity. I wish I'd released that song cycle then despite my insecurities...

A few people have written lately asking for me to email them my records. I'm planning to post them to a file share site soon. Check back, and I'll try to have that done before the end of the year.

steam therapy.

2010-10-26T21:27:00.001-07:00

in the deep solid storm of his purrs
i fear
we may have been doing something right.

the little kitty that could.

2010-10-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

        We had the pleasure of adopting a new kitten recently. Lucky for us, Greg picked out the sickest,
most malnourished kitten in the kennel and the past few weeks have been an exercise in sleepless nights, force feeding and giving every ounce of love we have into keeping this little bean alive. It's also been an exercise in giving our other cat Francois enough love and attention so that he'll stop trying to bite the kitten's neck.
        We feel an inkling of what raising a special needs child must go through; how much you worry, how much you fear, how often you force yourself to believe that all of your energy will one day help this little animal grow healthy, strong and happy. As I write this, Mojave sleeps soundly on a heating pad on our bed. He purred this morning as I rubbed his growing little belly and I felt more relief than I have in nearly a month.

In other news we've been falling more deeply in love with the new Warpaint LP. This video directed by Shannyn Sossamon is pretty and the single Undertow feels new and exciting to my ears with every listen.

Warpaint "Undertow" from maudegone on Vimeo.

     We've also started watching Mad Men. Betty and Don Draper remind me of what my mother's parents must have been like. So beautiful, so sad, so self inflicting. I appreciate how the show doesn't try to flash and distract with numerous plot lines like so many cable series, but rather moves with very quiet, steadily building power plays.

     We also fell in love with these beds from Hudson Furniture.

Sometimes domestic life is tricky because there's this momentum of keeping everything together and still finding time to stop and enjoy each other and enjoy it all. But mostly, it just feels really good to have a life that steadily builds and grows into something new as time passes.

hot stuff and drag queens.

2010-09-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

abe vigoda's been an LA buzz band du jour for a few years now.
greg and i saw them open for cap'n jazz recently and we were impressed and won over.
we listened to their new record today while on our way to newport beach to look for organic inspired modern design furniture.... yep, WE R YUPPIES.

anyways the record is good. truthfully i've never listened much to echo and the bunnymen, but i hear this sounds like abe vigoda drew pretty heavily from that sound.
this single is the jam. some of the other songs are sonically too mushy and i can't hear the vocals too well.

this video rules tho- super lo budget and it features a few of my favorite things: ballerinas, foxy drag queens and cool dudes making good music. a little queer, a little west coast, a little chicano- some of my favorite things all rolled into one.

and now she knows she'll never be afraid.

2010-09-08T16:40:00.000-07:00

"It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone."
— John Steinbeck (The Winter of Our Discontent)

As the end approached, all we wanted was for her to be at peace, surrounded by all the love she gave and received. I like to think that where her spirit's gone there are tall, rushing waterfalls like in Yosemite Valley and she is happily surrounded by her family who preceded her. Wherever yiayia is, she's sure to be beaming as she brags up a storm about her family. Because that's just the sort of yiayia she always was and that is why we'll miss her dearly and she'll forever be in our hearts.

I wish my cat could talk.

2010-08-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

oh and i made this a few months back.
none of the words rhyme with lazy, crazy or hazy but I thought it was ok.

copy and paste the link to download or just press play.

http://www.divshare.com/download/12424243-3f4

Warpaint.

2010-08-31T09:23:00.000-07:00

holycrapthisissogood!
greg and i were oohing and ahhing over warpaint together last night.

in other news, the house is amazing. our cat is amazing. our love is amazing. i'm working all the time.
i found an amazing, never fail blackberry cobbler recipe on Martha Stewart.com
it's perfect a la mode or with whipped cream and it's been quite a hit at our pool parties.

2010-08-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

Katie the Domesticator.

When pets die, some eccentrics claim their souls cross the Rainbow Bridge to a better place.
I recently decided that my youth has taken a similar trip, and it's funny how un-sad I am about it.

Making musics was loads of fun for a while, but at some point it just felt like more work than fun.
All that angst and passion from youth finally worked itself out after years of philosophical rumination.
I stopped making bad decisions for kicks. I became dependable. I kicked my bad habits.
I turned into a version of my mother.

On a typical day i wake up at 5:30am just because. Just because it feels good to.
I spend my mornings off cleaning, running errands, sipping french press coffee on my back porch.
I waste time on the internet, clean the pool, swim for a bit and lay in the sun.
Followed by reading and a nap. Followed by my greg coming home, dinner and sleep.

This is my Rainbow Bridge.
No more fuss. No more fury. No more drama.

An acquaintance of mine whose music I admired once made the remark that he simply just felt like the time in his life had come to a finish and that others were more naturally inclined to music making than he felt. Fast forward a few years later and the thought of making anything but love regularly makes me tired at the thought.

Perhaps it's a backlash reaction to the whole wavecore or whatever they're calling indie these days, but I've been indulging in pop more and more. As ever, the Swedes capture my heart. Something fresh and modern, what a novel idea! Robyn and Lykke Li are like two heads of a different coin but the inclination makes sense to me. As fashion is a huge part of what i do for a living, I'm constantly looking at what influences changing styles. Popular music influences popular style and I much prefer these sounds and sights to Lady Whatshername or Katie the BestCoast.

Lykke Li - Little Bit from Lykke Li on Vimeo.

Robyn 'Dancing On My Own' (Official Video) from Robyn on Vimeo.

Robyn - Hang With Me official video from Robyn on Vimeo.

2010-06-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

A Room of One's Own.

I miss the solitude of my own room.
I miss closing the door to shut the world out so I might pour out the contents of my mind unfettered by judgement or opinion.
I'm hoping to have a place for performing and recording ritualistic stream of consciousness before long.

In the meantime I'm keeping my thoughts and words locked up tight.

2010-05-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

Go Do.

From a safe distance, I think about all the years I'd wasted; wasted energy and love. I think about the hollow empty feeling I woke up with every day, that we looked into each other's eyes with. I think about how i wished it would go away with every shred of my being; how we collectively turned our backs on things that sucked. us dry.

I remember beginning to understand real love and surrounding myself with people and things that helped me feel this even more so. It's not a slow sad shrinking death, but a life full of energy, affection and momentum.

Permanence isn't something I want to pretend to hold a monopoly on. I've learned that anything can disappear as quickly as it arrived. But I do feel like I've got an inkling on how a person surrounds themselves with good things in order to improve the quality of life.

When I hear people stuck in their own stasis, I want to show them how to make it happen for themselves. You can't make him or her love you if you don't know your own worth. You can't do all the things you daydream about sitting still. If wasting time is your thing, then carry on. But if you've got a plan about the kind of goodness you want to feel then you need to shake shit up. And if you think something is bad for you, then it probably is.

For fear of pretending like I've got all the answers, the only I thing I know ABSOLUTELY, is you have to make room for good things in your life. Which consequently means the bad stuff's gotta go.

I really like this Jonsi song my friend the Hildebrands put on a mixtape. The Hildebrands are people who help me see how we can grow to be artful, thoughtful, creative while living good, happy lives. That's something I value and make room for. The rest is just weeds, kids.

2010-05-17T14:23:00.000-07:00

i've spent a lot of time alone lately.
when i'm not at work or at school, it's just me and franny in the house re-establishing this home-centric comfort zone i fall back into every few years.

i was out and i was about "it" for so long, ignoring how much time alone with myself it takes to hear music in anything. some people might hear the rush of words and rhythm in a crowd. on the contrary, i feel as though i've lost and gained so much in such a short span of time that i must allow myself to sink into being; to be alone with my thoughts and the people and things i love.

the present is as effusive as the gray of the afternoon. i sink with my own distaste for my former lives and on the next note rise with certainty that everything is as it should be. i cannot even speak to the ghosts that used to haunt me, because i don't believe in ghosts; you are real or you aren't. you are here or you're gone. we are with or without. the pain is a memory and my memories have been kind enough to get lost and stay there.

moving forward is a petulant process. like when you first plant seeds in a pot of soil- completely covered over by soil drenched in water. you wake up every morning to check if there's something new to see. maybe it takes days or weeks, maybe it takes months and years.
then comes the first glimpse of green.
consequent days bring unmistakable life.
and it's like your heart got thrown into the air and you got everything you had hoped for.

that's why i don't believe in ghosts and things you can't see.
because it's about the good things that give life to more good things.
it's really quite simple. and that's what i hear when it's quiet.

2010-04-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

THIS MONTH:

Saturday March 17 @ Pehrspace

w/ SISU (sandra from midnight movies)

MARACA MOUTHS

and KATIE THE PEST

8pm, all ages, money

The Fall.

while reading John Muir's "my first summer in the sierras" during those golden years of healing and isolation, i became fascinated by an amalgamation i imagined by way of the various people i encountered; the kind of boy who quotes Camus like alcoholic hiccups. the kind of boy who steals for leisure. the kind of boy who says he only feels at peace in the sierras. the kind of person who is quick to jump for the next high. the kind of boy who takes photographs of icicles and chrysallis. and the kind of person who lies for the sake of their own lusty intentions.

The Fall was about faults and virtues i alternately admired and despised about the people i knew or imagined. and the female in the song now strikes me as a more contemporary, vague interpretation of Keats' La Belle Dam Sans Merci; though she isn't me. i'm not in this song, except as the voyeur.

so i spent the spring watching werner herzog documentaries, riding my bike, worrying about the future and praying for someone else; at once interesting, thoughtful and passionate; i was still praying in the fall. and the spring that followed and the fall that inevitably came. and so on and so forth. until we both moved to the same city in the same month of the same year. he was more like john muir than any of the boys in The Fall.

i didn't record The Fall for the LP because I think this demo is perfect. it's perfectly weird and flawed and sincere.

2010-03-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

long ago i used to sit in my room for hours and hours playing blues riffs and tweaking the tone on my guitar so that it sounded dirty and wrong. and then i started adding a bottle of something hard to the equation, and everything changed.

my perspective (or the ability to have one), my desire to be anywhere but in this hard little universe i constructed, and my ability to care about anything but my good time completely consumed me and my music.

self destruction aside, there was some genuine fun to be had. mary and i had kept pretty much to ourselves until that point around 2002, and suddenly we were making new friends and getting played on college radio.

we recorded the baby likes his music loud ep in january 2003 at long beach city college with Ryan Christy. i'm not really sure if the mixes i have are the final edits. we sold baby likes his music loud on cdrs with the rest of the eps we had recorded. and we probably went through at least a hundred copies; no press, no distribution- just two girls playing local shows. this was before we started trying to play LA, which i would have bypassed altogether if i could go back.

Baby Likes His Music Loud.

Dandelion Smile.

Rhythm and Wait.

Underage Blues.

2010-03-16T11:54:00.000-07:00

moving to long beach in february 2008 was a great lovely, lonely adventure at first. i was sort of obsessed with my room at the time and i was also obsessed with reading Haruki Murakam. partly because his writing is THAT good and relevant to the things people experience sometimes and partly because i get a little obsessed with Japanese culture, an appreciation i developed under the tutelage of Mary.

one night, i was playing guitar alone at twilight, and a white tabby appeared outside my window on the rooftop across the way meowing at me. some dayss, playing really feels so consuming and special. this is the ony recorded version of miu, so far. there are plans to catch up on recording these later in the spring. when it happens, i predict the results will be favorable.

but nothing can capture the intensity of real twilight induced murakami moment of soul sweeping inspiration.

but i digress...

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Miu.

2010-02-22T08:48:00.000-08:00

lady lazarus 2006.

i died once. not literally, figuratively. i brought it upon myself, we brought it on each other. when it was over, we all parted ways as best as survivors of tragedy can.
what we lost was worth the wait.
it was worth losing my closest friend.
it was worth losing sleepless feverish nights.
because what followed was greater than the sum of all our parts smashed together.

i am grateful that mary stayed with me long enough to get me out of that mess.
we thought we had to be hard to be heard. and then after it was all over, i found these very quiet spaces around myself. it was a time of intense isolation, the kind of loneliness one wears like a badge of honor.

during that isolation, i read voraciously: robert frost, walt whitman, dh laurence, laura ingalls, ranier maria rilke. attempting to devour as much prose and poetry as i could find as if it were my job, i spent a year recording these acoustic 4 track songs. i had planned to release them regardless of their poor quality because i found their imperfection endearing. the imperfection was part of the structure, reflecting my reactions to what i was reading. i was imagining this turn of the century life that was simple, pure and uncomplicated by progress. it all sounds kind of crazy now and i could never figure out how to bring them together in a live performance.

i'm not really sure what fans of katie the pest will think of these songs. but it's all a part of the narrative nonetheless.

Watch the World.

Pearl Bailey.

L'Etranger.

Ghost Town.

2010-02-11T10:28:00.000-08:00

aside from coming down with bronchitis, last week's show was a real treat.
the right alchemy of everything: people present, band energy, all around good vibes and fun show.

every now and then people mention how much more famous i should be.
whether or not i deserve to isn't really the point for me.

Eugene Mirman once told Pitchfork in an interview that all bands are as famous as they should be. i totally agree.

if i had truly wanted fame i would have started touring years ago, and i wouldn't have ever stopped. but when that option was presented to me, all i could foresee was subsequent unhappiness.

i needed to establish a non musical career. i needed to do that. so much so that i'm currently pursuing two non musical careers. because my music isn't about music, it's about the life that surrounds me.

lately, inspiration doesn't hit me with a painful memory or a flash of tempestuous circumstances- it's a slow steady build. it's waking up in the morning to my boys, going to work hard at what i do and coming to a peaceful, happy night with my boys once again. and i'm trying to learn how to express that in music. this happiness, like i've never felt before, determines every action and thought.

my painful past become a series of anecdotes and songs.
consequently, that happiness makes me a little lazy. i don't want to write a song about it, i want to live and feel it. like i wouldn't want to call you on the phone and tell you how good it feels to curl up with Jesus Eyes, i would just want to bask in the doing.

i try so hard to express myself in prose. and i bet you're just rolling your eyes, saying "write a song about it already..."

Brazil.

2010-01-31T20:45:00.000-08:00

i've got a new(ish) band: jesus, kenn and michael vullo.
we've got new(ish) songs.
and we're playing shows. here's one of a handful to come. ep's to follow.

2009-11-26T11:54:00.000-08:00

Rhythm and Wait.

We recorded our second ep in summer of 2001 with our childhood friend Ryan Christy. With katie the pest, these early recordings were just as much about the songs as his unfettering hand in recording them- as people often remarked about how these ep's reminded them of the music they loved growing up.

i miss these days when summers were spent languished on late nights and making music with my best friend.

Groove On.

Sailboat.

2009-11-18T22:53:00.000-08:00

love letters about global warming.

Le Weekend is one of my all time favorite songs. When played in full band it's often, musically, quite effervescent. It's one of those songs I think people assume are "cute" when you can't really hear what's happening. Which is why I adore this version my friend Michael V. and I recorded in his room. He's such a gifted piano player and he lends himself to the torch song quality many katie songs take on when stripped apart and slowed down. This version always puts me on the verge of tears- whether listening or playing it.

I was pretty inspired by the volatility of Godard's characters- how they love and hate and desire and repulse so interchangeably and how a lot of people I know/knew do/did that too. there wasn't an innocent among us.

Le Weekend.

and if you can be patient through the 30 seconds or so of babble you'll find D'autres Villes. Lyrically, this song just feels really good to sing. It's more like telling a story than most of katie's songs tend to be. I still enjoy the idea that life can unfold passionately, beautifully and sadly but there's a potential to find comfort regardless of the circumstances. When I wrote this, I was very fixated on the idea of travelling to Europe and experiencing these feelings. Just another way to escape reality, I guess.

D'autres Villes.

2009-11-17T10:26:00.001-08:00

for along time it was confusing why our album was taking so long, seeing as it was recorded in less than a month. after much reflection, i'm really convinced that my music doesn't translate to long play. part of the trouble i had gathering enthusiasm and momentum was that the songs didn't fit together like an album, but two separate ep's. since so much time has passed, well there's nothing to hold onto anymore.
but i still really love these songs and this time in my life was such a transition, it'd be a shame not to share them.

mike park and i had some solid beats going on back then. and my friend and sometime muse warren recorded the guitar because i had broken my thumb days before we needed to get back to recording. joe suitor, my future roommate and illustrator extraordinaire took on the bass for the first time in his life.

spit it out was special to me because it had some really hooking hooks and it says so much without saying almost anything. and i'm pretty sure just about every guy i knew back then was scratching their head when they heard it, wondering if they'd pissed me off. it was actually about being a a certain type of person-boy and girl- i like when songs do that. when everybody's a victim and a villain... shades of grey.

if you knew what you had... you wouldn't be spitting it out...

Spit it out.

2009-11-10T13:11:00.000-08:00

so the latest in my string of lo-fi obsessions is Best Coast/Bethany Cosentino. I've been scrambling her mp3's here and there until today when Black Iris released he new ep digitally.

it's big, it's explosive, it's strange, it's sweet, it means well and it more than delivers on the promise she hasn't yet made. Best Coast doesn't need to commit herself to type- whether it's demos or smooth production, what Bethany Cosentino gives is more than good enough...

it's our Brian Wilson obsessions,
our late nights,
our good times,
our sweethearts and broken hearts alike,
our refusal to plunge into maturity,
because we prefer to cling to our youth like it's going out of style... why?
because our youth is going out of style and we're not young anymore, but there's a whole new crop of young people who are falling in love with love like we did so long ago.

that's why i love Best Coast. i hope you love it too!

p.s. a fan keeps making videos setting her songs to french films, and of course i'm all for that!

2009-11-07T09:20:00.001-08:00

willfully obscure. (i should save it for my memoirs)

when katie the pest was much younger, we read somewhere that we were willfully obscure. at the time, i was a bit offended because we were playing pretty constantly and all kinds of shows- great bills(k records, kill rock stars bands), weird venues, eccentric fans. and we wanted to make music for the rest of our lives.

honestly, i'm a little afraid of the world. i've never really taken much opportunity to travel, opting instead for a Frank L. Baum view of the world: if you can't find your heart's desire in your own backyard, you never really lost it to begin with.

i've had more than one person compare katie the pest to the vivian girls, and i could probably write a whole chapter on the subject. instead, i choose to completely enjoy these girls and the songs they make. i mean, my whole m.o. was to make catchy sweet sad songs with loud guitars and vocals blown out by reverb with influences by garage, shoegaze, sixties girl bands. i have wanted to hear these sounds all around me for the past ten years, surrounding me like sunshine.
i'm glad we both had the same sonic dream, even if they've never heard katie.

2009-11-03T10:43:00.000-08:00

Do I have to die once or twice
To keep you for the rest, the rest of my life, all of my life

I am so in love with this track by atlas sound with its clever sample of The Dovers' What Am I Going To Do? produced by Panda Bear/Noah Lennox.

My boyfriend said it sounded like Panda Bear, and I feel like Atlas Sound exists solely for Bradford to unleash his inner animal collective urges- appreciation project, if you will. However Walkabout has a more cozy/bedroom feel, and I like it for that reason.

I've been trying to focus on appreciating sounds and visuals to help me focus on newer songs. What is especially great is how I feel there are so many nooks and crannies to uncover at the moment- every week I stumble upon a new gem.

2009-10-22T13:07:00.000-07:00

Going Viral.

after greg left for work, i sort of felt paralyzed by all the observation hours i have left to finish but i felt more inclined to take advantage of some dreamy morning light and the itch to write something new. and francois the cat felt inclined to peek his nose under the door the whole time.

joe and i are talking about getting a set together for the winter, but i want to play new songs... which depends on how quickly i can write them. SNAP!

in the meantime, perhaps you'll accept these ipod nano recordings- rough as they are- as a way to pass the time.

xoxo

2009-09-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

you're gonna lose that girl.

i loved you because you wanted me to see something new.
because you turned on my perspective and we helped each other find ways to make life more meaningful.
it was hard to sleep because each day brought something new to discover and embrace.

and then one day, we just didn't feel it anymore.
this has happened before, so i'm not scared.

when i have more time to sit and write and record, there will be songs to share.
until then, i'm settling down each night to study and eat ice cream with my two favorite living beings. one's a boy named greg, one's a cat named francois~ and the living's better than any song i could come up with.

rain, i don't mind
shine, the weather's fine

2009-07-20T09:09:00.000-07:00

Annalisa, a fun gal around town took some rather lovely photos of the ice cream social show. more of her work can be found at 562citylife.com/profile/Annalisa.

If you haven't been to {open} books yet, you're missing out! It's totally that store you dream of opening someday. And Shea is a multifaceted fellow... a master of print, design, soundscapes and lover of ice cream. I am indebted to him and Alexa for being so pumped on the idea of an ice cream social. You may also recognize Shea as the sea captain for the Tropic of Cancer video...

David Donahue is a local artist, surfer, friend, vinylphile and dj. we first met over our love for aisler's set and belle and sebastian. also, he has the most immaculate refrigerator in long beach: iced tea infuser, fresh local herbs, fruits and veggies. he keeps it simple and sustainable. dd, valdas and lili can be found scouring through their record collections at various shows around town and on their Friday Kinda Monday nights at the Pike, second Monday of the month.

so basically if you haven't listened to Voice On Tape after all my ranting and raving over this man who is literally dripping in hugs and reverb, you're missing out. even my boy revealed his crush as we practically floated home after VOT's set that night. he is a consummate performer and a talented man. I hope he gets all the good things in life, because I'm pretty sure he deserves them.

i think i'm starting to look like a teacher than a girl in a band these days but i think the wholesomeness is fitting and it's nice to feel like i'm not fighting against my age. the past few summers have been devoted to playing shows except this year i've been holding back on accepting more shows because of time constraints. my hope is once i'm teaching i can devote more summer nights to shows around town and perhaps even tour. there have been offers to play abroad, especially in the UK but i've barely been able to take a vacation in the last decade, let alone tour.

I don't think Annalisa was there early enough to photograph Angela Stolons but i can't seem to get enough of this young lady's talent for music and images. keep your eyes and ears out for her. she's so breathtaking and refreshing and i feel very lucky that we stumbled upon each other in mutual appreciation.

xoxo
talia

2009-07-16T15:38:00.000-07:00

Ice Cream Social(ites)

ok so it's going to be really hard for me not to brag about having the most charming, hospitable, adorable friends a person could ask for...
BUT they did throw on their party skirts and biggest smiles to dish out ice cream sundaes for the cutest long beach event of the season!

katie the pest continues to be a living, evolving fluid part of my life that i embrace because of all the wonderful people and things that flow long with it.
flow with me...

and check out the new issue of the district weekly with our gal linders on the cover!

2009-07-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

ice scream you scream we all scream...

there are more pictures to post coming soon.
i'm going to go ahead and say this event was a success.
considering how sick i've been the past few weeks and how i should have been spending my time getting better not running round making ice cream sandwiches and organizing an event... the turnout was super, everyone loved the ice cream (except the dissapointed vegans. O.o sorry girls...)

angela stolons won my heart.
voice on tape held the whole room in the palm of his beautiful hands.
and i, well, i was trying not to keel over from fever and the pain of laryngitis attacking my vocal chords. i only enjoyed about 3 of the songs i played. by the end of the set i was ready to cry.
i'm sure not if it was the well lit room or the fever or the fact that the hard part was over or the sound of the words i was singing..." i want to spend my life with a girl like you..."chalk it up to a little bit of everything. i went home that night and crawled into bed and fell fast asleep.

photo by bj rubin

thank you to everyone that came out. and my houseguest bj for understanding when i abandoned him for a power nap in the afternoon before the show.

2009-07-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

sun smog and hate...

the district weekly jumped at the chance to do a rad write up of voice on tape/lou anda. i've often waxed poetic with writer kevin ferguson about lou and his dreamy sounds and i'm so happy that kevin wrote about this so our long beach friends can get a closer look for themselves!

2009-06-30T22:13:00.000-07:00

of ice cream sandwiches and ceiling fans

i found this amazing recipe from Martha Stewart.
(say what you will but any discerning young lady knows that Martha has amazing recipes and ideas!)

after getting home from work to cook up some yellow tofu curry, watering and saying hello to my porch plants and ivy cuttings, i started my second try at ice cream sandwiches.

the first batch set last night and are DELICIOUS! but they aren't very pretty. i had issues with the cookie crust and lost some in the process. also i cut them before i scooped the vanilla bean ice cream. yeah, just a messy no-no.

but tonight's batch turned out so pretty and smooth with a thick layer of vanilla bean in the center... dreamy.

it occurred to me today that maybe some people wonder what's ice cream got to do with underground music? long before the vivian girls were in training bras, katie the pest was baking cookies and bringing treats to shows with the reverb all the way and pushing the levels of acceptable treble.
perhaps it was to distract listeners from our often less than perfect playing?
perhaps it was a bribe to make friends?
or maybe we just really liked the look on people's faces when they realized someone was offering them a cookie made especially with them in mind.
if playing music is about arousing the senses, why stop with just one?

and now i am living a dream of serving up sweet treats, playing shows and spending time with old and new friends. it's work, don't get me wrong. as i sit under the breeze of the living room ceiling fan reflecting on the thrill of trying to cram so much living into just one life, all i can think about is how ready for sleep i am.
sometimes we lose sight of the simplest things.

(get obsessed about the dirty projectors... thanks miss randa!)

2009-06-29T16:42:00.000-07:00

Ice Cream Social!!!

i've been buried in sketches and watercolors since last night...
for the rest of the evening i plan to be buried in reverb and then to the kitchen to be buried in the first batch of ice cream sandwiches.

i'm getting really excited about next tuesday.
it's strange to think it's been over a year since i last played with voice on tape, considering how often i gush about his music.
(follow the link above to download my all time favorite melancholy love songs)
and miss angela stolons whose songs soothe me morning, noon and night...

top it off with some sweet frozen treats, ad i think i'm in love!

2009-06-28T20:14:00.000-07:00

i was a wrecking ball...

if we want to get technical this is really a katie the champ show, as i will be playing with members of local masterminds baby champ and my bff warren woodward of the valley arena. it may or may not be a new project in the making...
and hello? happy hollows... someone really ought to let them know this show is going to blow people's minds.

2009-06-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

ICE CREAM SOCIAL 7/7/09 at {OPEN} books in long beach

Katie the Pest/me
Voice on Tape
Angela Stolons

also record selectors Lili y Mo De La Mora
and and AND homemade ice cream treats!!!

miss maltzy and i are plotting some delicious sophisticated flavors & toppings as well as experimenting with ice cream sandwiches. i die, i die...

also this week i'm going to be busy working on a flyer and songs for the show as well as my first practice with katie the champ. i'm going to be honest with you friends, work is kicking my behind (and breaking my heart a little) but i feel very lucky to have such fun things to look forward to doing/making and seeing all of you there. i hope, i hope.

sometimes we lose sight of the simplest things... oh manitoba/caribou... i love you!

2009-06-20T11:11:00.001-07:00

DUST OFF YOUR CALAVERAS AND MAKE SHIT HAPPEN!

it's a katie solo show y'all.
Y LA BAMBA[on tour from PDX]

2009-06-15T11:02:00.000-07:00

my good friend greg doyle from baby champ, spent most of last summer trying to convince me to:
1. learn music theory
2. trust in a good recording
while i spent most of the time determined not to write anymore songs-
the result of a lagging LP, impending grad school, and a deliberate attempt to ignore inspiration. i decided determinedly, some situations are too heavy to scrutinize for a song.

a few weeks back i asked greg to help me record the more recent songs i'd written
-silkworm
-palomine
-walden
-miu

mr doyle agreed to produce the songs with the assistance of his baby champ drummer kenn shane. meanwhile i'm working on new songs now that i have a bit more free time.
in a few weeks perhaps we'll post some of the results for you to hear, in the meantime go run outside and do something different. i've been indulging in nighttime walks and bike rides, discovering parts of long beach i've never seen before.

also, i've developed a bit of a crush on high places. sometimes we lose sight of the simplest things (their music makes simplicity easier to hold onto)
javascript:void(0)

2009-06-02T09:05:00.000-07:00

photo by sarah hermans

rodney of you know, apparitions of the past... asked me to come out of hiatus for a solo set at Your Wildest Dreams Come True.
With finals the week before and a stressful month at work, music was pushed to a tiny little corner in my mind. add that to my acute stage fright/social anxiety and i wasn't really on board to play. that is until:

+ i decided to learn a few covers of some of my favorite songs.
troggs, lemonheads, paris sisters... it was a win win situation. i play songs i love hearing, people hear something different.

+ i found the above picture by sarah hermans. there's a lot of skin, but there's nothing dirty about it. and she doesn't even care that you're looking as she jumps in the air reaching into the twilight.

the show was a success. a sleepy peaceful mood took over the room. people enjoyed the covers i selected (valdas just about died when i played "with a girl like you..." which i dedicated to my dear friend miss maltzy) and i enjoyed playing them. we all collectively enjoyed the set and my nerves were minimal.

if every show could be like this, i would play more often. that's something to work on: make shows that make people(&me) happy. i guess that's always been the point, but sometimes we lose sight of the simplest things.

2009-06-01T18:55:00.000-07:00

photo by jeff lewis of compound studios

it's about time.
i finally have a little free time to myself, so i woke up to the june gloom and decided to make a few fresh starts for katie the pest. i've poorly neglected katiethepest.com, so i gave her a little makeover. mainly, taking down most of the content in lieu of simplicity.
and i've been drawn to other band's blogspots. (truth be told this katie blog is five years old... geez)> all those things feel good to do when i have time and ideas.

also, maybe i wanted a way to communicate with friends of katie the pest.
to clarify: last ausgust i sincerely thought i wasn't going to make music anymore.
for all the reasons i gave then, it was the appropriate decision. and sometimes after almost ten years, it's just hard to keep going.

it's difficult to maintain excitement for a thing that changes all the time. also as i've matured, it's even more difficult to want to write about certain things- perhaps there is a fine line between creativity and over analyzing people & places. sometimes you just move on from a thought, because that's what it takes.
you may see in every post that precedes this how in the past i shared my pain freely- partly because i needed to and partly because i saw beauty in the act of doing so.

presently, i plan on performing solo shows throughout the summer and i'm in the beginning stages of a new recording project with greg doyle of baby champ. i've never really had a proper producer, but so far i'm quite pleased to not only have someone who loves my songs, but wants to think of ways beyond my ability to make them better. that sounds weird, but it's not i assure you.

this new recording project doesn't mean i'm abandoning the 2008 lp. i'm just moving forward because i believe in the nowness of it all. for the purposes of my own creativity, the music i make is now- not two years ago. so much changes year to year, month to month, day to day... sometimes we lose sight of the simplest things.

2005-12-08T07:41:00.000-08:00

no shrines

there are no shrines to contain
her love waits, patiently, in windows.
when he writes songs, he gives them weight
they're all just shrines & makeshift graves.
me, i'm a hummingbird heart
on his sleeve
i flutter and twitch through the karma.

2005-11-20T23:54:00.000-08:00

my imagination is off in the woods.
big rock. small rock. slippery with moss.
marymary takes it home to plant it in her garden.
when the silence is freezing, i'll make a mean joke.
she always laughs.
the meaner the better.
always the quiet ones...
we could be lost.
did you swear by the moon? did you promise your heart?
marymary if we keep our voices at a whisper and light pumpkin candles every night,
do you think we'll win high fives everyday, all the time?
can you tie my sash? it's all a mess.
i was running against the thunder.
i mean walking across the lawn.
forget it.
one. two. three. bigbig breaths and jump deep in-
godiva!
put your clothes back on.
there's alot of things you could ruin.

2005-09-09T00:05:00.000-07:00

i wanted to stay up late and make you something perfect.
but i'm tired.
fiction of my imagination.
who am i writing to?
an ocean with a guitar?
i love you ocean. play me your song on the guitar.
i love the way you.
yeah...

2005-07-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

treetrunk. it's so hard to find you.
leaves on an elm tree, colder than summer.
a branch a stem a leaf torn to tiny pieces by my wicked fingers.
this time won't waste itself, you know?
green falls green falls. no tree. no time.
nature knows her place.
she's outside. i'm inside: pretending she's got what i want.
but am i walking in the mud? am i hanging from a limb?
between the chair and the door, a calendar of time.
a greivous pity for the blind man to fall upon sweeter lips than the hell he's been through.
call her name and punch the clouds: don't blow her pretty head off!
she's moving. she's running. her feet hit the ground and find their way flying
a cloudless sky cooling.
slightly, a scattered rain
so thinly spread
she's coming back sunshine.

2005-02-03T01:00:00.000-08:00

may 2004

i went to the beach yesterday, as i make a point of going once a week these days. and while i was lying there on the sand i couldn't help but think of how you were doing. the sound of the waves, the wind touching down on me, reminded me of the safe feeling i use to have when you were around.
i think i may have failed you, squandered it away.
and somehow writing to you sounded much better in theory. cause there was so much i wanted to say. so much i wanted to ask you about how you are. and there were conversations i thought of having.
the destruction can't go on. it just can't continue. it's a phase, not a natural state to exist in.
and yeah, i guess it all feels very senseless and arbitrary and random and pointless. have you ever felt the pieces of your own life come together? if i knew a damn thing about quantuum physics, i imagine i'd liken the phenomenon to that.
like lying on the sand on warm afternoons and remembering someone who totally made life more meaningful and worthwhile.
maybe it was a phase. and the moon has waxed and waned too many times since that phase has passed.
but i wonder if there is a point that can be reached, when we can lay on the beach in the sun together and find comfort in the cyclical nature of existence.
sometimes i'm too nostalgic. but my nostalgia is not senseless. there was a cause and effect and i felt the sun on my face and it reminded me of you. wholly and completely. or maybe it's just the time of year that it was back when my love for you was strong and there was not a soul on earth who knew me better.
sometimes i'm too nostalgic.
sometimes i have too much faith that things will go my way.
sometimes i'm idealistic to fault. disregard every word. i can't possibly mean any of this. i don't need anybody. not you. not him. not her. not them. i'm not in the business of needing people. give me a cat. a book. a crossword puzzle. and some peppermint tea to make my life complete. put me on a stage and let me do my job. let me smile at you because i see the beauty of your person like i've fallen madly in love with every hair on your head, every molecule in your body all over again for the very time. or let me lie on the beach by myself, in peace, and pretend to know what dying will feel like when the time comes. that's always a fun one.

katie

2004-11-23T21:45:00.000-08:00

girl. guitar. song.
a song for you.
a love one.
the way your skin reeks of you in the most delightful ways.
the way your arms wrap around me when we sleep,
never soundly with you there.
i sleep alot these days, now that you're gone. thanks are in order.
but a love song. a love song. a love song?
about power plays and control freaks and mind games.
everybody wins. and we all lose.
eyewitnesses claimed she set the fire herself. it's possible. highly possible.
girl. guitar. song.

2004-11-03T09:57:00.000-08:00

i'll make you orange juice and toast.
cook you vegetables for dinner.
i'll sit on the piano in between songs and sing like julie andrews.
go to church on sundays. take long walks at the end of the day.
would you forgive my triteness, if i made up for it in fresh baked bread?
i'm on a mission for goodness godlieness.
can i rub your feet with oils and annoint you my messiah? would you bless my broken limbs and offer my soul redemption?
i can do better for you, i can be good and honest and sweet and wise.
we can find excitement in simplicity and build a legacy on that.

2004-04-27T23:37:00.000-07:00

i had a dream about jeremiah johnson the great explorer of the american frontier. and there we were, sitting by the fire. climbing up mountains. living off the land. covered in animal pelts. bathing in freshwater streams.
i would love you till my last dying breath, and then i would spend eternity trying to find your protean fire. i'm crying, it's so perfect. but there's nothing left, only threats to destroy. there are no frontiers.

2004-04-27T23:32:00.000-07:00

and sometimes my heart stops and the colors stand out and the smells are so rich i lose my appetite. where has this girl been all my life?
a glass of cold milk. a soft crimson blessing wraps me up. open the curtains first thing every morning to let the day in.
aye there's the rub. this too shall pass. a dent. a murmur. a whisper and then, it's done. where has this girl been all my life?
i want to talk to you. tell you. listen to the madness that compells you. i stare at my legs in the bathtub. freckled skin, first signs of aging. i start thinking about you standing there looking at me. it would be so natural, a conversation set in steam. i want to hear the sound of our laughter erupt together. where has this man been all my life?
safe at last. no more threats. nobody wants to cut me. stab me or use me as a shield. from this day forward we will be a haven from the violence that surrounds us.

2003-10-20T23:40:00.000-07:00

i lay her to the rest.
the girl with tears in her eyes and an empty bottle i had to pry out of her cold dead fingers.
upon further examination, it appears she gave up- it was no accident- she had fought it off for years.
the dumbest thing she ever did. all the novels and plays she let walk away from her because she was too damn busy fighting someone else's fight, standing up for their existence while she faded away into a shadow...
the day she died, she turned around and saw all that she had lost: the trail of carnage leading to her doorstep,
through the hallway,
up the stairs,
lying at the foot of her bed.
pieces of herself she had surrendered.
she gathered them up into her arms and arranged them into a replica of what they once looked like whole.
ideas like fireworks. heart like it could crush you. arms that hold on too tightly. and the sound of a song that knows exactly what yer thinking.
i lay her to rest. this girl that looks nothing like me.
as i pry you out of her cold dead fingers, i'm walking out alive. she was not so lucky.

2003-07-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

dear you,
i saw you wake up in the morning and i knew i could see you like that everyday after. your bad breath. your hair standing sideways. i knew i loved you. and i knew you loved me too. i should write a song about it. about the happy feeling i get when i wake up next to you. maybe i'll tell you about it someday, years after you've long since seen through the facade of the appearance that was me. and we can laugh about how stupid we both were and how drunk i must have been. oh... life is good. just stop trying to change it please.