i think it doesn't make sense.

if you happen to like my inane ramblings, go here from now on.

love,
talia


http://deer-tracks.blogspot.com/

Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Brown-iest.

My last class in my credential program is complete. Heretoforewhereart now I will forever be an almost teacher until I decide to student teach. In the meantime, I feel such relief and a little bit like I can start redefining what normal feels like. The past two nights I've slept so soundly and actually slept a little past 8am- this is monumental since I typically wake up but never feel rested. My batteries are recharged and ready, and instead of sighing every ten minutes out of exhaustion, I feel like I can move with purpose and energy and smile at everyone, just because.

It's difficult for people to understand how easily exhausted my body gets living with a chronic illness. I rarely talk about it, because it's typically just something I just deal with. But sometimes, it's like even for a healthy person, I feel pushed to my physical and mental limits of what this little body of mine can take. With the help and encouragement of my friends and family, I was able to power through and (almost) finish something that's been a dream of mine since I was in high school. Message to the kids: Always Almost finish something!

As far as music, I've just got to let the dust settle and allow myself to seek and relish in inspiration. My most cohesive work has always evolved after a period of respite and research, so we'll see what happens with a little time to breathe and think. And by a little time, I mean two days a week.

In the meantime, Christmas is almost upon us and I'm most excited about spending time with my family and I'm even more excited about the gifts I found for the dudes in my family. I'm always telling customers to buy gifts for their family that people normally won't buy for themselves. It's those indulgences we pass up ourselves that make such impressionable gifts. So I tried to think outside the box and lavish my guys, hopefully they see the merit and enjoy something a little less ordinary.

Merry Christmas to all!

i don't need one other thing.

My folks had a ton of new wave LP's  when I was growing up. I always knew Blondie was special, except I was too naive to hold onto those records. That voice: so brassy, so brash.

Music has been one of the few things keeping me sane. Music, and my cats and my boyfriend. Music, cats, my boyfriend, and my tweed jacket. Music, my cats, my boyfriend, my tweed jacket and hot toddies. Music, cats, jesus eyes, twee, hot toddies and tapioca pudding. And that's all I need.

I swear after the holidays are over I'm going to:
a. spend some quality time w/ faces i miss
b. sleeeeeeeeep and read. on repeat.
c. um... i need a good turn around the dance floor. as in a break a sweat. as in loosen the eff up.

sonic what?

 






The La's - There She Goes

JonDavies | Myspace Video



this isn't a food blog but we made macaroni and cheese with fresh herbs and truffle oil with sauteed zucchini for dinner. tomorrow morning we're making blueberry french toast, with an extra helping of snuggles.





















on a lark yesterday, we went book shooping and i picked up Derrida's Writing and Difference as well as Foucalt's Power/Knowledge. i also tried playing music, but all i came up with was a song i forgot after class.

in other news, my professor asked me if i've considered working towards a PHD in education because of my writing abilities. a part of me is like helltotheyes! the other part of me is like, mybrainsarehurting and i've grown so undisciplined in reading and writing. in order to even consider applying, i'd really have to devote serious time to committing to going above and beyond getting by. i'd have to read primary documents and churn out academic discourse.

it's weird how i've reached this point in my life where i feel like i want it all. like i don't want to give up on anything or have to choose. but with every choice, sacrifice is sure to follow. would i have to sacrifice music, jcrew, babies, sleep, love, traveling, homemaking, all of the above?

i'm very happy she mentioned this, but it also poses a serious complication.

aren't you glad i didn't talk about what i wore today? i sure am.

black and white with shades of gray.

i can't get no.

Like an itch i can't reach, I feel pressure on all sides closing in with little hope of release.
I need to be in a meadow; an icy frozen meadow, until my nose is cold and my cheeks are flushed.
To fling my heart open wide and let some love out.
To pore over books with genuine curiosity.
To play guitar until my fingers begin to bleed.


In the meantime, I broke down and bought this. The songs that I love, I really love and I can totally see what all the fuss is about.



And on my lunch break I bought this Donegal Tweed jacket @ J Crew, because I like to pretend owning things makes me terminally happy. If it's any consolation to those who find that concept shallow, I look really very good in tweed. I'll post some pictures tomorrow to prove I'm twee as fuck.

"my mother was of french extraction"

My yiayia had a very rigid nighttime ritual: rinsed her face with water, applied ponds cold cream, applied nighttime moisturizer to her face and lotion on her arms and legs. I used to sit up and watch her do this some nights, fascinated by her diligence to maintaining her visage. When I first moved out to Highland Park, I purchased a jar of Pond's cold cream, because it struck me as the sort of thing a grown woman on her own should do.

By far, Pond's is by far a better value and it brings back memories of yiayia nightly, when I open the medicine cabinet as I get ready for bed. The cool cucumber green of the lid, the crisp smell of the cold cream, even the way it lathers on- it brings back those memories of my childhood.

I've been thinking about her as I walk through the mall. Something about the sounds and Christmas decorations triggers my emotions. I miss her so. Is that something that just happens when your loved ones pass? Will all my holidays feel bittersweet without the sound of her voice and the reassurance of her kiss? bah...

black like your soul.

preemptively, i thought i had organized the coming weeks into sizeable pieces, realistic chunks of stress i could manage. i thought too soon.
all of my beautiful silk blouses are marred by sweat stains that make me sad. 9,10,11,12 hours... i've stopped watching the clock because all the minutes turn into hours and days too quickly.
the holidays have become nothing but a blur of numbers. who has time for romantic holiday notions? who has time to tie little hand written place cards to pine cones?
while i'm hustling to secure a future, i'm simultaneously silencing the sweetest parts of my soul.
i'll hang hand made garland in my dreams and bake you cookies while i'm at it.
in the morning, i'll slap on some lipstick, sip a cup of strong coffee and head out by dawn to do it all over again.

 (daydream)






(reality)

run dry

the poetry's missing
and i can't find the spaces
in my brain.
i can't feel the pauses
in between breaths.
we're plotting our moves
the next one
-and the one that follows.
days tripping, stumbling,
melting into each other.
i meant to write a letter,
but whispered it to myself instead.
there was no time
for verses,
for fits of passion,
so the earth went unstained.

kitten pile.

 







I've posted this caribou song before, but I think it's akin to a soothing cup of tea, cuddling with a kitten or a long hug from an old friend... you need soft good things in your life more often than not.

Today my mom and I went to the Patchwork indie art craft festival in long beach, mom was in heaven. We both left with boxes of Courtney's C Salt Gourmet Chocolate, succulent arrangements for Lexi's Little Bit and a Little Golden Book repurposed notebook from Kelso Doesn't Dance. Such talented, beautiful friends I have the pleasure of knowing!

Black Friday is fast approaching, the end of my last semester is fast approaching, the holidays are imminent, but I'm taking a day for all the people and things i love. it's a win-win situation.
I hope your day is pretty spectacular too.